Saturday, November 15, 2014

What If The Bible Was Like The Movie "Noah"?

With so much discrepancy pertaining to the movie Noah when comparing it to the actual scriptures, I thought, "What if the Bible read like the movie?" So I have gone ahead and written out a few of the verses that we would see if it were accurate. Enjoy! :)

"And thus Noah ran from the people chasing he and his family into the barren wasteland. And fallen angels, who had disobeyed God during the time of Adam, and had been cursed to fall into molten rock and metal, thereby becoming large rock monsters, befriended Noah, and led him to safe land.

And thus the rock monsters and Noah became friends, the rock monsters agreeing to assist Noah in building the ark.

And Hermoine, being barren, approached Methuselah as he desperately foraged for berries in the woods. And Methuselah put forth his hand and took away her barrenness.

And Ham, being jealous that his brother had a girlfriend and he did not, went into the city to search him out a wife. And the rains came, the the storm hastened, and Ham ran with his new girlfriend to the ark. But, alas, his girlfriend's foot became stuck in a bear trap. And Ham saw Noah, and was relieved that help had come. But Noah retrieved Ham, and left his new girl friend to get stomped and trampled by the people of the city.

And Methuselah found his delicious berries, and ate them before being hit by a giant wave.

And thus Noah's family entered the ark. And as the rains and floods greatened, the people of the city made haste to take the ark. And the rock monsters chained their hands together, and with large rock hammers and swords, beat down the people of the city. And there came Tubal-Cain with a shaft of brightness and power, and plunged the end thereof into the rock monster's chest, exploding his molten shell, and freeing the fallen angel to return to heaven. And thus Tubal-Cain through violence and trickery, found his way into a side door in the ark.

And the floods came and washed the people away as Noah and his family safely floated in the ark. And Ham, finding Tubal-Cain onboard, hid him away for the space of nine months, feeding him with the food of their family. And Noah knew nothing of the matter.

And Noah, being utterly confused as to what the Creator desired, told Hermoine, who was large with child, that he would smite his grandchild at the moment of birth, for they had evil in them, and the Creator desired that all mankind be wiped out for good.

And Noah found Tubal-Cain on board, and just as Tubal-Cain was about to smite Noah, Ham stabbed him in the chest.

And as Hermoine gave birth to twins, Noah took a dagger, and went to slay the twins. Yet, as he looked upon them, his heart was swollen with love, and he could not do it. And thus Noah disappointed the Creator, who had clearly desired that the new twin babies be stabbed with the dagger.

And the family found land. And Ham, still being frustrated that he did not have a wife, went away into the wilderness. And Hermoine, being full of wisdom, taught Noah that the Creator had chosen him because He knew that Noah could not kill the babies. And Noah blessed the babies, and commanded them to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth."

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