Thursday, June 19, 2014

9 Movies That Made Sense As Kids But Are Ridiculous As Adults

For this list, we have chosen movies that we loved as children, but may have had more to them than met the eye. Now that we have an adult perspective, we are able to see things a little bit more clearly.

1) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Did your grandparents ever sleep in the same bed forever? That’s a pretty big hurdle to get over when I look back at this film. And they made chocolate bars out of a river that chunky Augustus Gloop was just slurping out of like a dog? A restaurant in my hometown once closed down because they poured unused salsa back into their storage containers…The whole Oompa Loompa thing was pretty sketchy too. Why don't they get to speak and have lives? Wonka treats them like his little henchman robots that don’t have feelings. Would it hurt so much to get to know one of them a little more? I’m sure they’ve got a story or two to tell. And remember the ending where Wonka just kind of freaks out? That confused me as a kid-I never really understood that he was “testing” little Charlie and his Grandpa.  Truth be told, I liked the movie because I liked candy quite a bit. But now that my palate has matured I can see how ridiculous this film is.

2) Blank Check
So, a kid walks into a bank, and the bank manager gives him a million dollars in cash without acquiring any type of proof that the kid is this “Juice” character in question. Does the bank manager really think this kid goes by the alias of Juice? Does this kid seem like the type to be messing around with criminals? And why is a criminal writing blank checks to anybody? Am I supposed to believe this criminal is bad enough to murder a guy at the beginning, steal a million dollars, and then be nice enough to care about a kids broken bike? Anyways, the kid then goes on to buy many things that I am convinced cost more than a million dollars. Like 80 big screens? A huge go-kart track? I just looked up go-karts, and one like the one he had would be a few grand. The concrete? Lots more. The water slide from the castle into a pool? I mean the party alone that he throws with an open bar would probably be a few hundred grand. And did you see those big tubs of gourmet ice cream? Those things aren’t cheap. Plus, at the end, this kid kisses an adult woman on the lips! Whoa! I mean, his parents obviously are oblivious to what has been going on in the kid’s life evidenced by the goings on of the rest of the movie, but they should have a question or two for this lady if they are going to call themselves parents at all.

3) Home Alone
"Hey look, we have an extra airline ticket with us. Whoopsies." That's literally as far as forgetting your child on a vacation could ever go. As forgettable as Macaulay Culkin has become, the entire family would have noticed he was missing long before they ever got on the plane. Can we also think about how huge of a deal it is when a child goes missing, regardless of whether or not we dislike said child? The cops show up at his house for like 90 seconds and just call it good? What was that conversation like when they got back to the precinct?

Police Chief
Did you find the dumb kid?

Bad Cops
Naw, he's probably just hiding. He also might be dead but he's probably not so it's fine because he's probably just hiding.

Police Chief

Also. When I was 8 the coolest stuff I used to do was throw rocks at my friends. 8 year-olds are not capable of espionage-grade booby traps like the ones Kevin set up with stuff just lying around the house, even though the burglars were complete idiots, which is another issue. They were dumber than the rocks 8 year-old Noah used to throw, so the cops would have caught them in like half an hour! Even if the cops are dumb too.

I guess the root of my issues with this film are all of the characters are dumber than anyone I've ever met...

4) Air Bud
So this movie basically has everything backwards. Yes, the dog is abused by a crazy clown. Yes, the dog happens to be able to bump the ball with his nose and into the basket. And yes, the dog loves tapioca pudding just as much as the rest of us. But, I don’t think we can steal the clown’s dog, and I definitely don’t think we should be trying to destroy the man’s business and reputation...and clown truck. (Do you think the frightening, frowning clown head on top of his truck is overt enough a clue that this guy is a bad dude?) Did anyone think that maybe the clown is the one who taught this dog to play basketball in the first place? Also, why are they allowing a dog to play basketball? Is he so good at bouncing it with his nose that he can beat other kids shooting it with their hands, and deserves to be in the starting lineup? Why are we even considering letting an animal in the building? Isn’t he taking playing time away from kids like me? Who can’t play at all? And are there only because their parents want them to be? And only get passed the ball to pass it to another, better kid? And may or may not actually score a point for the other team in the wrong basket? (Yes this happened!) I would say throwing a ball at the dog’s face ten times a game is worse abuse than what the clown is doing!

5) Homeward Bound
This was a classic when we were kids back in the day. Three animals working together to find the owners they thought abandoned them, beating the odds to eventually make it home. It gave us courage as elementary children, and showed us that we could find our own way like these three animals found theirs. Plus everybody loves pets so it was easy to connect to emotions, but at the same time not a huge deal if a dog gets hurt or something. But looking back this was kind of a dumb movie. First off, their owners were planning to come back and get them the whole time, so running away from the ranch was just stupid. Stupid dogs shouldn’t be alive. It’s natural selection. Also any cat shouldn’t be alive. It’s common sense. Second, every trial they went through on their journey would have killed them time and time again. Three bears and a mountain lion? More like two appetizers and main course for said predators. And then the forest rangers recognize the animals from their lost pictures? Did they submit them to Newsline or something?  Not feelin it.  

6) Mrs. Doubtfire
Picture your dad dressed up as an old lady and acting like an old lady. Would you be able to tell it was him? Of course you would! It even gets more ridiculous at the spouse level. She really can’t tell this is her husband? Come on! Anyway, imagine this guys case actually going to court. A man dresses up as an old lady and tricks everybody so that he can get time with his kids who he doesn’t have custody over. And he lets his wife pay him for it! I mean, he has got some serious problems! We may need to deal with this guys coping strategies before we even let him within 10 miles of his kids! But no, instead let’s reward his behavior with his own TV show dressed as the old woman. This won’t send the wrong message. Hey kids, if you are finding that everything in your life is going wrong due to poor decision making, dress as an old woman and trick all of your loved ones. You will find that all...well...most of your problems will go away swimmingly.

7) Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
This movie was terrifying and also creepy and also just bizarre. Kids loved the fact it has cartoons living in real life because that’s awesome, right? But in retrospect this was probably the darkest film that I watched before the age of 15 or so. The central point of the plot is essentially cartoon genocide, which is depressing to say the least. And then you actually see cartoons get killed and have to listen to their screams? This movie was the leading cause of nightmares in Millenials. Also none of the official posters have a question mark after "Rabbit," which is disappointing. Horrifying children while teaching them it's OK to be dumb. Nope.

8) Brink
Honestly, all the main kid in this movie wanted to do was provide some money for his family. His dad was a construction worker, threw his back out, and hasn’t worked in months. The main kid is really good at inline skating, and does it all the time with his friends. A kid at school who gets paid for inline skating convinces him to come do it with him to earn a little extra money for his family. What a good kid right? No! He is a total sell out! His friends get really ticked at him for going to skate for money. The movie treats it like skating for money in competitions is immoral or something...Wouldn’t a good friend support his decision to help pay for bills? It is really good money he is making! Skating for free = soul skating. Skating for money = sell out. Really, his friends are the sell outs, and don’t really have his family’s best interest at heart if you ask me. Thanks a lot Gabbi! I hope your arm is OK.

9) Flubber
There were some funny moments with Professor Brainard and the dancing flubber and all that, but at the end of the day Brainard is just a sexist jerk. He missed three weddings? What a pig. I’ve only even attended like, four weddings. And it sends the wrong message to the young ladies of the generation. You don’t need a man to come save you, let alone one that misses your wedding thrice. Then he shoots down Weebo’s heart after she tells him about her feelings? And encourages the super crappy basketball team to cheat? I’m not drinkin the Kool-Aid, Disney…What you thought was a lovable nerd is actually the worst human being of all time. Plus using “Flubber” as an energy source is gonna destroy a lot of blue collar jobs for hard-working Americans in the energy sector. Good luck getting that legislation pushed through.

Do you agree? What other weird movies were there that we just accepted at face value? Let us know at